So, day 1 last week was a success and everyday since then has been a disaster. I've been on a binge for a few days now. It's crazy because I know what I want and I am doing exactly the opposite. Eating whatever I can get my hands on. It's the same self destructive behavior that I have been putting upon myself for years.
I know I need to change, I know it would benefit my health but in the moment, I don't care about anything else other than eating. This evening I am going to sit down and go through my bank account to look at the money I have wasted buying fast food. Hopefully that will help kick things in gear.
It scares me that I am back in a place of thinking about what I want and doing nothing about it. What is the problem? Clearly, I know the problem lays within myself, that I am not actually committing to making a change but WHY do I keep doing this to myself? I am falling back into a place of feeling no hope for "changing." The other day, I even reasoned with myself, this is who I am just meant to be.
How ridiculous, sure I am meant to be me, my personality, my quirkiness, my attitude and outlook... but a size, a weight doesn't equal a person. Why am I trying to reason that being overweight is just part of me? It isn't I am overweight because of the food choices that I make. It's not necessarily the food choice itself, it is the AMOUNT I choose to eat and the lack of exercise. I know these things yet I still eat, eat and eat. I've got to get out of this cloud, through this fog and back to a healthy reality. I do not want to be this person who constantly thinks of food or the next meal. Food does not define me yet it makes up most of my time, whether that is in thoughts or consumption. Food consumes my thoughts these days. My addiction. My love. My friend. My enemy. My source of energy. My lack of energy. My existence. My disease. My lover. My obsession. My confusion. My faith. My end of existence. MY CHOICE. Make a choice, make a choice, make a choice!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I pass by fast food every day on my way home. I make myself wait to eat til' I get home, healthy options! I ask myself, "Is this burger, fry, or whatever, worth it?" Some days I feel it is, and most days I don't!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel, I've tried so many times and hated myself for my weakness. I don't know what makes the difference between the efforts that end in cycles of giving up and binging and the day we say..no more and change. Can you remember what it was that inspired you when you very first started. The moment of inspiration? Can you revisit that inspiration again and gain from it? Its really the first 2 weeks that are hard, after that it falls into a routine.
ReplyDeleteKatie from http://www.areyouwilling.net/ is kickstarting weight loss again with just the induction phase from atkins diet...and on this you CAN eat, just only certain foods...what about trying 2 weeks of that just to kickstart you? Just trying to say something useful, sorry if I haven't
Dawn
Food and weight do not define you, but don't use that as an excuse not to get healthy. It is a difficult transition to move from thinking about food all the time to thinking about something else. It is strange and disorienting, at least it was for me.
ReplyDeleteInitially, I went with a program that made all of my choices for me because I knew I lacked that skill when I was hungry. I made poor choices and ate too much. Once I had no food decisions to make, it seemed like I had so much more time. I was shocked as to how much time I spent thinking about food, planning meals, shopping for food, besides cooking & eating.
There is so much more to this journey than what/how much you eat. That is why it is so hard. Once each of those keys falls in to place FOR YOU, you will lose weight. It still won't be easy all the time, but you'll make it. Keep looking for what is right for you. You are too important not to.
Blogging is a good first step. You will get lots of good ideas. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Lori
I am sorry you are struggling. Although I have a lot of experience with being overweight, I don't have experience with binging, per se, so I don't have much good advice on that topic. Keep blogging, and reading blogs, though. That cannot hurt.
ReplyDeleteThis really struck a cord with me. I lost 146 pounds 6 years ago and then gained back about 20 and have been maintaing that for years.
ReplyDeleteI have a mom who struggles with binge eating and though I have some food issues I've never had that issue then all the sudden a few months ago with the stresses piling up I did a few days of bingeing and now for the first time in my life I cant seem to stop and I'm up for 15 pounds and feeling awful. Every day I have the best intentions then night comes and I just give in and eat SO much and such bad stuff I never used to eat.
You're so right though about just neeeded to commit.
Can't give up.
I am also a binge eater, and at age 49 and 25 years of struggling, I finally talked to my doctor about it and went to see a therapist. One suggestion she gave me was to eat when I'm hungry. Don't go all day hungry, which is what I'd do (kinda punishing myself, I'm fat so I deserve to be hungry) cuz at the end of the day I was starving and I'd binge. I eat every couple hours, just enough to satisfy me. I keep tasty healthy things ready to go at all times (cut up fruit, hard boiled eggs, etc.) so every couple hours I eat what is equal to the palm of my hand. It has helped me with the bingeing so far.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself,
CJ
Hello, I seen your motivational sparkpage and checked out your blog. I was down to 180lbs last year (the skinniest I ever knew since puberty was 175lbs), then I had a lot of stressors in my life this past year and am back up to 220lbs! I think I was scared when I started looking good and everyone reacted to it... especially people I hadn't seen in awhile. For some reason I just started binging like my fat was my security blanket against other people's attentions. I am planning to follow your blog as I try to take the weight off once again and hope we may help each other in the process. Btw, I "get" this entry... it is more than a one day or one event choice, it's a choice to be the one in the shadows or the butterfly out in the sun! I hope you cocoon into a beautiful, majestic creature that u know u can b!
ReplyDeleteI relate to you 100%. I just hit the 20 lbs lost mark today, and what am I doing? I'm in my kitchen making a batch of cookies because I have a chocolate craving and won't quit until it's satisfied!!! I love food and I love to eat. And every time I think I am okay and have it all under control, BOOM - I explode. :( So frustrating. I'm so sorry for your struggles. My MIL started at 372 lbs and has lost down to 307 in a few months with Medifast prepackaged meals and cooking 1 to 2 meals a day on her own. Best of luck! I know your mental battle!!!
ReplyDelete