Now entering the Danger Zone

I have not put my finger on it, I am not really sure exactly what it is but I must admit, I have not worked out in 6 days. Yes, six whole days, like one, two, three, four, five, six. That is almost an entire week. The closest thing to exercise this week was me washing my car for 45 minutes but that is really just me trying to feel better about my choice to not exercise.

I say it is a choice because I decided not to make myself a priority this week. This is the only week since the first week of January 2010 that I have not exercised at least 5 days. Okay, there was the week in April that I had oral surgery and was only able to work out for three days.

When my journey began in January, I was not sure what I was going to do but I knew that my health had to become a priority. I could not allow food to consume me any longer. I didn't really have a plan other than blogging, as a matter of fact, my Mom and I laughed and joked that my plan was to write myself thin. Since then, I have began working out, eating healthy, quit smoking and making myself as a priority. I have also lost 52 pounds, 30 inches, walked and biked over 192 miles (not counting everyday walking). I began to enjoy hiking, being in the great outdoors, and being active with my son.

I also learned the importance of counting my calories, which I have not done in six days as well. I don't want to admit this but I had a mishap yesterday... I ordered a Pizza for dinner, which is not unforgivable... but I stopped at Long John Silver on my way to pick up the pizza. I ate one piece of fish, fries and two hush puppies. In my head, I told myself it was okay because I didn't eat lunch yesterday, but I knew that feeling... the gut wrenching I am losing control and I don't care feeling. You know, the feeling that food is the only thing that can satisfy "that feeling." I have not binged since December 2009. I turned off that voice in my head and said to hell with it, I am doing this and I did. After eating my Long John Silver, I picked up my Pizza. When I got out the car to go inside, I checked my shirt from crumbs, or otherwise evidence of my act. Phew, no evidence. I go inside and pick up my pizza and head home. By the time I began to serve dinner, I was so full. I ignored it and put three pieces of pizza on my plate and said, what the heck and grabbed the Ranch. I forced myself to eat one piece and I was miserable. I looked at my plate, there are two pieces there.... I eat a few bites of another piece. My inner voice came back and I shut her out again. I finished the second piece. I knew I should go and put the third piece back in the box but I didn't want to . Something inside of me knew I would eat the third piece. It was an hour later, but I did, I ate it. I have not eaten that much in a long long time.

Today, as I think about what I did, I can't say I completely understand it. I can make 100 excused but the bottom line they would be exactly that... EXCUSES. This is deeper than an excuse, I actually chose to put myself on the back burner and ignored my body, ultimately ignoring my health. That is a dangerous unhealthy place to be.

Taking it all back to the basics, this is about my health. Not a desire to be skinny or thin, this is about prolonging my life and being healthy mentally and physically.

I have got to get to the bottom of this and find the nearest EXIT and get the heck out dodge, the danger zone is no place to be.

I don't like to be negative or dwell on things that bother me but I really feel like I need to address them to get out of this funk. Most of my life, I have always worn the smile so no one would know what was wrong and then I would use food to release my emotions (hey... am I on to something here?!?!?!). So I need to express this and keep it real, no more faking it till I make it.

I was laid off in Nov 09, this is the first time in my adult life that I have not had a job. By the grace of God, I am making it but I am scared. I am a single Mother with a Mortgage and the money is gone. My unemployment only covers my Mortgage and car payment. I am so stressed about this that I am no longer sleeping. I have fallen into a bout of insomnia. This is hard for a person that usually falls to sleep in 4.5 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. As of late, I may not actually go to bed until 8 o'clock in the morning. I was actually so tired the other day that I cried because I wanted to go to sleep (man am I playing this violin or what?).

Beyond not sleeping, I haven't had many call backs to applications that I have put in. In March I began interviewing with one company, succeeded to interview with 8 people, facilitate a presentation, and then present a solution to a business case study. I really thought I had it, I really wanted the job, not just because I needed it but because I liked the people, the opportunity and could see this taking my career to the next level. I found out Wednesday that I did not get it. I was disappointed, really disappointed. Of course, I trust the Lord will put me where I need to be and do what is best for my family but the flesh, the human side, was still disappointed and discouraged.

This week, I have been feeling a little lonely. I miss people, I miss having somewhere to go everyday, people to talk to, a purpose bigger than me. I would also like to actually go to a company and apply for a job, I am tired of spending my day on the net... it is so impersonal, but this is the way of our time. Apply online, apply online, apply online.

Okay, enough is enough... I actually feel better writing all of this down.... I am sorry that your eyes had to see it but I appreciate you hearing me out. Please know that I am not looking for sympathy I just needed to let it out. Thank you for being there for me and helping me work through this.

My plan is to keep it basic and focus on why I am on this journey. Recommit to the affirmation on my mirror "Taking control of my Life." Create a visual to remind myself why I am doing this, write down my goals and forgive myself for the last six days. Refer to my mantra: "One meal at a time, one day at a time" and "I want to be healthy."

Most importantly, I will forgive myself for the last six days and keep moving. When I don't feel like doing it, I will seek out my Inner Drill Sergeant and get it done!

Cravings

Have you ever just had a craving? Like a gut wrenching, gotta have it, want it right now craving? I am not sure what overcame me, but I walked into the store, went strait to the cookie aisle and before you know it, I was standing in line with not one, but three bags of cookies. Yes, three bags! I had a bag of Iced Circus Cookies, Coconut Cocadas and the very evil Danish Wedding Cookies.

Fortunately, there was a line at the register, even in self-checkout. As I stood there, wishing everyone would hurry up, so I could get the heck out of the store and into my ever favorite Danish Wedding Cookies, I began fighting with myself. I looked at myself and wondered, what the hell am I doing? I look at the cookies and the caloric value, oh man, this is terrible. I don't care, I want these cookies. I look over my shoulder to make sure I didn't see anyone that I knew. Nope, no one to stop me. Oh man... what the heck. I can't do this. But I want this! I want to eat those cookies! What, 4 little cookies are 130 calories, oh my goodness, there about the size of a freaking quarter, are you serious and just forget about nutritional value. 13 servings in the box??? I hate to admit this but I knew I would eat the entire box before the night was over, maybe even before I got home.

I check over my shoulder again and then I see it, there she is... that 330 pound woman looking back at me in the glass reflection, not only was she starring at me, she was standing there holding three bags of cookies! Then it hit me, if I walk out of this store with those cookies, I would always be the 330 pound woman.

I put the cookies down and calmly walked out. On the way to my car, I couldn't understand what was happening. I wanted those cookies but I know I would have no self control if I had them at my home.

I am happy to say that I didn't buy the cookies but I have thought about them, and I know this won't be the last time that I do. I know that my lifestyle change doesn't mean that I can never ever eat a cookie again but I also know that I am a compulsive eater and there is no way I could be trusted around a dozen cookies much less a bag of them.

When will that stop? My compulsive desire to eat, eat, eat?

Part of me believes I wanted the cookies so badly as a reward. Somewhere inside of me, an accomplishment deserves a food reward. The reason I say that is because over the weekend, family that I haven't seen in a while complemented me on my weight. Of course it felt great. On Monday, my Mom said, "I can't believe how big your pants are on you, they are practically falling off, I bet you don't even have to unbutton or unzip them to put them on or take them off" Which, is true, and it feels good to have someone notice that but why does it trigger my desire to eat?

Hmmm, something to ponder....