EXPLOSION

So, I haven't been feeling well... which means I haven't worked out in the last few days but hadn't eaten much because I felt so terrible. It would normally take an army to stop me from eating, sick or not... I have always eaten anything I wanted, I finally felt normal, I had no appetite while I was sick, I thought to myself... I might even lose a few pounds like I've heard countless other women say. Oh my, I was sick for two days, I lost 5 pounds, oh me too ... last week, I didn't eat three meals and lost 6 pounds. Now of course, these are normal women who have a very healthy weight... you know, someone you can tell when they lose 10 or 15 pounds, it actually makes a difference. Anyhow... on this last Monday I decided to start weighing only once a week because the daily weigh in was becoming an obsession. If I went up or down even one pound, I was obsessing about it... racking over what I ate, how much I tried at a workout, not exactly mentally healthy you know. It was like scale addiction, I needed to cut back, I couldn't jump out of bed, run to bathroom and then jump on the scale before flushing another day, it had to stop. Since I had been sick three days, no workouts, not eating much... I decided I better get on, yesterday afternoon, I weigh myself... I was 318 pounds... hmmmmm... I shed two pounds being sick. I wasn't jumping through hoops but I didn't feel like wiring my mouth shut either.

Oh yes... getting to the explosion. Yesterday was my girlfriends birthday, I was going out to eat with her and her family for dinner. I decided to make her a delicious Tres Leches Cake... oh man, mine are so delicious. Just a little side note, I am a wonderful baker, cakes are my specialty! I am known for my decadently delicious delights, from Italian Cream, Red Velvet, German Chocolate, Chocolate Covered Cherry, Strawberry Chocolate Divinity, Lemon Chiffon, Pudding Cakes, Torts... it just goes on and on... people actually pay up to $45 for my cakes... I may be poppin my collar a little, but I am good. I love to bake, I mean I LOVE to bake and in some weird way, I LOVE to watch someone take the first bite of something I have baked, to see that pleasure, the enjoyment and curosity of the flavors... it just does something for me. Not exactly turn me on, but it does something...I really enjoy to watch that first bite, the one that is most appreciated by someone who really enjoys food... like me, soemtimes its like a little party in your mouth, the flavors, the texture and consistency... Okay, okay... back to the story...

I bake the cake and have it soaking in the three milks all day. I run to the store to pick up strawberries and heavy whipping cream and there I see it, a coconut pie. Oh my goodness, not only is it a coconut pie... you know the individual ones, that are deep fried and then packaged... like Ms. Baird's but not, this one is Mindy Lu's Coconut Pie and OMG, they are so good. I look at the caloric intake, like I was going to make a healthy decision about it, or as if they started baking them since the last gorge of coconut pies I went on, to no surprise... they were still being fried. One pie = 320 calories and 160 of those calories are FAT calories. Without hesitation, I put it in my basket. I go to grab the heavy whipping cream, somewhere there is this very faint voice asking "what the hell are you doing?" I tried to reason with it, I virtually haven't eaten in two and half days, I can afford 320 calories, the faint voice "your going out to eat tonight and your going to eat a piece of Tres Leches cake" I started humming to ignore the annoying voice... I get to the check out line, the cashier thinks I'm chipper because of all the humming, surely she doesn't expect the birds, squirls and deers to come and back my groceries... anyhow, I am at check out, the damned pie is now being swiped and placed in my bag. NO, you still have a chance (the faint voice)... Hmph, consider it done, I can't wait to get in the car and devour that thing. I pay and make a mad dash to the car. I have it open before my seat belt is on, two bites and I am pulling out of my parking spot, oh it is so good, I eat as quick as I can, I am taking the last bite as I turn onto my driveway ( I literally live a block and half from the grocery story, embarrassing) and throw the wrapper in my console so no one would see the evidence. That was the beginning of my downward spiral, or the lighting of explosive. I ate that fried coconut pie even though I knew I would eat a piece of that cake tonight. I lost self control, being destructive. But Why??? The pie even made my stomach hurt a bit, that was the first bit of sugar I have eaten in three weeks. I have a mini pep rally, I tell myself to snap out of it, I can't let this ruin what I have going, I am already down 12 pounds, this will not be a land slide.

We make it to the restaurant, I eat a chicken breast with ranchero beans (no rice, no tortillas, no chips... hey, I am doing good, all right!) and now its time for cake, I eat a sliver... feeling good. I ate a healthy portion of cake and was enjoying the company of my friends. We spend about two hours at the restaurant enjoying every ones company. As were leaving, I notice that one of my boys is carrying the cake (there is two pieces left in there... maybe two and a half) I tell them, give the cake to my friend but she says no, we don't need that in the house, I told the boys they could have it. Are you kidding me???? That thing CAN NOT be in the house with me. My friend make the boys promise not to let me eat the cake, the cake is for them (Uh, HELLO...Who will watch me when they are sleeping). My first instinct was to have them dump the cake but then I told myself, I have to learn boundaries besides I have done so good, chips have been in the house for two weeks and I havent eaten one. not one... I can do this!!! As I drove home, the cake was little to no distraction at all, things are looking good. I've got self control here people, of course it helped my boys were in the car so I couldnt exactly open the cake container and start eating without silverware and then I would have to share, and honestly what would I be teaching the boys. I couldn't do that in front of someone.

We get home from the restaurant and my nephew asks, "Auntie, can I have a piece of cake?" Of course I say no, he just ate a piece. Things are fine, we finish up our nightly routine, the cake hasn't crossed my mind, I watch my favorite show (Private Practice) and then the boys are off to bed. I go to grab some water and there the cake is, in the fridge just calling my name. I take it and eat the half piece, right off of the cake platter, enjoying each savory bite. I quickly realize I look like a homeless person scouring over a trash can so I put the lid back on and decide I better go to bed. I sleep well but wake around 3:00 and decide I just want one bite, I eat at least six bites sopping up all the milks, man this cake is good. I am being ridiculous... go back to bed. Before you know it, its time to get the kids up. After getting them off to school, the cake is there.. calling my name. Like in an old Western... the Cowboy is in the Saloon and the bad guy is on the street calling for the Cowboy, it's time for a gun fight... I was the Cowboy and the Cake was the bad guy, well needless to say, I lost that gun fight. Before you know it, I am standing at the kitchen sink about to lick the bottom of cake container... enough is enough... everyone has a certain line they just wont cross so I quickly spray the platter with water to avoid the licking temptation.

EXPLOSION.... it began last night and lasted threw this morning. Self-Destruction, Have I not learned a thing in the three weeks I have been eating healthy and exercising? Except for the fact my STOMACH HURTS REALLY BAD!!! Hey, that's something. I did learn something, eating healthy foods for a period of more than a day or two, cutting out sweets and then binging is not good, it will hurt and you will pay the price. The crazy thing... I weighed 316 pounds this morning. No, I am not invincible and no, I can not throw in the towel or raise the white flag. Before this journey bagan, I would feel compelled to bake another cake, eat all but what was left and put in the fridge so no one would know what I did. I can't do that now, I have to keep going. I will have to admit to my boys that I ate it all, no more hiding from them. I must be honest.

One meal at a time, one day at a time. It's time to go get in a serious work out.

Still under the weather

I was out all day yesterday, I spent the entire day in bed. I was just miserable. Good news...I am up and moving around today but not at 100%. I am going to take it easy and recoup.

I do feel bad that I haven't been to the gym in three days. My 21 day habit is just about shot to H.E.double hockey sticks! Tomorrow can be my new day one. The good news, I have not fallen off of the healthy foods band wagon. Yesterday, I didn't get much down, but today my appetite is back :)

If I feel up to it, I might go on a walk this afternoon with the kids.

Not feeling well

Ugh, just feeling terrible as the day goes on. I have been working on a presentation, literally, all day. I did manage to stop and make lunch and dinner for the kids but that is about it. No morning workout, no evening workout. Tomorrow is another day though.

I just took a packet of Nighttime Thera-Flu, I am hoping to sleep like a baby tomorrow and wake up feeling like a champ, no not chump.... Champ! You know, like a million bucks! I have made a lot of progress on my presentation and am excited to finish it tomorrow so I can start practicing.

Of course, this is one of the things that worry me... when I do return to work and things are crazy and hectic, am I going to make time for me? Or will I fall back into old patterns and put myself on the back burner? I can't do that, it just is not an option any more. I must always put myself first, my health and well-being is needed to take care of all of my other responsibilities.

To me and feeling better in the morning!

Week 2 results

I've lost 10 pounds! Yippee!!! Okay, two weeks in and I am down 10 pounds, it is nothing noticeable but I feel better. I have more energy and am actually exercising on a regular basis. I've heard that it takes 21 days to develop a habit, I'm in 14 so we will test that theory next week.

This last week was very successful, I worked out 5 days and ate 1200-1500 calories a day, there was one day I ate 1620 but I am still considering that day a success. I have tried a few new recipe's that I enjoyed and look forward to trying a few new foods this week as well.

I did increase a protein in the AM a little. I bought a soy protein mix that I started adding to my morning fruit smoothie. To avoid getting bored, I also bought a box of Special K Cereal, Vanilla Almond... oh man, it is GREAT! I really loved it. I have to admit, measuring cereal looks much different than just pouring cereal in the bowl. Yikes, I can see how easy it is for a 120 calories bowl of cereal to turn into 360 calories without you even realizing it. Measuring is the key.

One of my goals last week was to exercise at home in addition to the gym. I didn't do so hot here... twice I jump roped for a few minutes (please someone just say, OMG!!!!! Very physical activity) but that was it. I am going to carry that goal into this week.

I've also decided I better just work on one goal at a time. Last week, I set about three goals: increase protein in the AM, exercise in evening and no eating after 8 PM. The 8 PM was not an easy task... I find myself wanting to eat late at night. I only gave in three times last week.... each time, I choose a healthy snack. This is going to be a constant challenge for me. Evenings have been my time with food. My personal and most private and intimate moments with food were after 11pm. That is when I was really able to binge or eat what I wanted with no one looking over my shoulder.

Tomorrow will be 14 days without a cigarette. The first week was pretty easy but this last week, oh boy, I've thought a lot about smoking. For those non-smokers out there, I know this is hard for you to understand. But once you begin, it is so hard to quit. I literally saw someone smoking yesterday and my mouth salivated. I know it sounds crazy, I know it sounds like I was sitting in front of a decadent chocolate cake but no, it was just watching someone smoke.... I WANTED it, boy oh boy did I want a cigarette. I thought about going and buying a pack but then, out of no where these strong powerful words came out of my mouth "I WANT to be healthy, I WANT to be healthy." Oh my goodness, was that me? What??? Wait... it's true, I do WANT to be healthy. Giving in or being to comfortable right now is not an option. My healthy and well being are on the line. Every time I felt that feeling, the desire of a cigarette, I just reminded myself: I want to be healthy, I want to be healthy... my little mini mantra!

So like I said... only one goal a week. This week, my goal is to also get some exercise done in the evening. I want to do something the family can do together, something fun. I am not sure what it will be yet but I will keep you posted. If you have any ideas of what the family can do together, let me know. Maybe go on a walk, play in the park or something. It is still cold outside so I will have to take that into consideration.

As always, I will continue to take it one meal at a time, a day at a time. To Health & Well being!