Hi to everyone! I know it has been a very long time, to say the least. If you can imagine or possibly suspected, since I disappeared, I have of course gained back every single pound that I worked so hard to lose and then some.
As you may know when I started my journey, 365 Days with the 330 Pound Woman, I was 330 pounds. Today I am very heart stricken and sad to say that I weigh a whooping 343 pounds. My official all time high was 349 pounds January of this year. I haven't wanted to admit it but I cannot hide from the fact that everything is getting close to impossible again. Moving around, putting on shoes, is just such a chore and my body, it just aches.
BUT, I can say, I have not given up completely or thrown in the white flag! I joined a boxing class about six weeks ago that I go to three days a week. The class is such a challenge but I push myself and modify what I can't do and keep moving. Naturally, I come home and soak in Epsom salt but regardless of my failure I am still fighting. I won't give up.
I am sorry to everyone for disappearing, I have battled so many different emotions since I began to put back on the weight and I was almost ashamed to admit my failure. I am emotional as I type this now. From guilt, shame, embarrassment, denial, anger, frustration but mostly disappointment in myself and I didn't want to disappoint you. I have to figure out how to work through all of these feelings and stop punishing myself.
In my original journey, I went from 330 to 268 pounds in six months, I kept it off for an additional 3 months and then my battle began. I found myself very unhappy at work and everything I thought that I concord was back, the lies in my head, the bad habits, it was an ugly battle. As I look back, when my weight creeped back to 275 pounds, internally I remember saying to myself that I would gain back every single pound, in the coming months that is exactly what I did. I said I was going to stop but I planted that seed and began to self-destruct.
If you are not interested in following my blog any longer, I understand. I let you down. Thank you for the time you spent with me and best journey to you. About six months ago, someone visited my blog (I was just invisible, not completely gone) and left the kindest comment. "You deserve a do-over!" Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I accept the Do-Over but I need help. I have since changed jobs and I am very happy at work. What I realize now is that I have issues with balance. I have decided to put my name out there and once again, apply for Biggest Loser. Here's to another chance!
NBC's The Biggest Loser Casting : NBC's The Biggest Loser Casting
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Cheering you on! I've been on this journey a long time, too, and keep plodding on. Quitting is worse.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there and felt those same emotions. Don't waste any more time with the negative ones. Focus on the fact that you are working to change things. Keep trying you'll make it. Everyone stumbles now & then. The important thing is that you get back up and try again.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with BL.
Lori
You have NO IDEA how pleased I am to see you. I have done exactly what you have done in my past, i lost weight years ago and put it all back on and more and I got to the mid 300s before I started blogging. Yours was one of the blogs I got inspiration from at the start of my journey and i owe you! I will follow along and offer every support and encouragement as you tackle this. Welcome back indeed
ReplyDeleteHello Gorgeous and welcome back!!!
ReplyDeleteButtercup - Thank you! Here's to plodding on!
ReplyDeleteLori - Here's to goodbye to negative emotions and getting back up and trying again!
Dawn - Thank you for your kind words and for being there for me. I appreicate you! I look forward to catching up and walking this journey with you!
Rai - To my constant! Thank you for being there for me and being such a positive influence and a wonderful friend :)
Been there, done that with regaining and then some. Please be kind to yourself.... you're not alone! Look at it as practice for the ultimate success!
ReplyDeleteYou may want to check out a book called "Dr. A's Habits of Health" This book has literally changed my life and I'm now only 35 pounds from my goal weight.
Weather you use this method or any other, DON'T GIVE UP. You can do it if you persist! I never thought I'd be anywhere close to where I am now, but persistence has been the key. It's taken me a looong time, but better than the alternative, right?
Good for you for owning up and opening up to where you are now. I wish you the very best,
Ellen
YAY!!!! I am so happy to see you back :) I read every post for so long...You are awesome. Keep it up girl, we are all cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteAAAHHH! I am so fricken glad to see new posts from you!! For months I've been wondering where you are and I'm happy to be able to keep up with your journey once again. :) Best of luck, and remember not to let the number on the scale determine your self-worth. When I first found your blog about a year and a half ago, I read all of your posts in order. I love them. I wish they would make a movie of your journey. You seem like a really great person, and I know that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Keep these posts coming, because you have supporters and we want to know how you're doing!
ReplyDelete@ Ellen - CONGRATULATIONS on your sucees! Cheers to the next 35 pounds, I can't wait to see you meet that goal! Thank you for your kind words and support. I am going to look for the book you referenced, I love a good read especially one that may change my life!
ReplyDelete@Trish - Thank you, thank you, thank you! The number on the scale will not and does not determine my self-worth! Thank you for the reminder! I appreciate you being there with me and giving me the support to keep going!!! Here's to another healthy week!
You know what...the biggest thing is that you don't give up on yourself. I go up & down too, and am struggling to lose the weight that I re-gained (I lost 55 pounds in 2006-2007. I have regained 40 of it...); so please don't feel like you are alone in what's happened. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and just...just keep on keepin' on. drink water. walk a little bit every day. It will happen. Believe in the magic that's already in you!
ReplyDeletegood to see you posting again!
Look for a Bible based weight loss group like First Place 4 health it is working for me me. In 12 weeks I have lost 30 lbs and am changing my choices to healthy ones and not feeling deprived.
Deletekeeping guilt/punishing state of mind just demotivates us and we are further away from our goals. forgive self and move on.
ReplyDeleteThis rollercoaster is never easy. I've literally stumbled onto your blog today as i myself am in the 300's. I was wondering how you'd got on from your 2010 blogs and can empathize with how you feel. Just see it as falling over. When you fall over you have 2 choices, you either keep lying there face down in the dirt or you get back up and dust yourself down. I don't think anyone wants to lie down and everyone falls over so dust yourself down and expect the falls but get back up stronger! x
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're still connected to this, but I wanted to throw this out there... I've fallen too and I'm working my way back to where I want to be, where I feel good being me. Just know you're not alone in this annoying back and forth struggle. Hope you're doing alright!! ❤
ReplyDelete