It's a terrible feeling, waking up and hating yourself in the morning. Not that you exactly hate yourself, hate is such a strong word but you are so disgusted and ashamed...humiliated...embarrassed. To wake up and look around yourself, scope out the surroundings, look in the bed next to you and there it is.... quietly you get of bed, begin picking up wrappers on the floor, in the bed... quick walk of shame to the restroom, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Ughhhh... I did it again. What would people think of me, I am so embarrassed of myself. No, it's not what your thinking, there wasn't an unfamiliar man in my bed, it was food. Sometimes it might be an entire bag chocolate, a bag of Doritos, possibly the whole box of Little Debbie snack cakes... yes, eating to the extreme! It's simply terrible to wake in the morning and to be so full and bloated, it might be difficult to move, your so bloated and probably sick to your stomach. Not to remember everything that happened, did someone give me Food Ruffies??? No, it was just me, being self destructive. It is terrible to wake in the morning and be so full from the night before, your not naturally hungry until dinner that day. Fortunately, that didn't happen last night but it easily could have.
Before I went to bed last night, I found myself standing at the fridge in desperate search of something to eat... one bite of low fat cottage cheese, one piece of 99% fat free turkey lunch meat, one bite of a grilled chicken breast... still searching for that comfort, looking on every shelf. Open the freezer, nothing... back to the fridge... another bite of cottage cheese, hmmmm... what to eat, what to eat? As I am standing there, I look at myself in the microwave, all though it was only 4 bites of food... I was scavenging. Something very familiar to me, I've done it many times before. Trying to fill a void, seeking some type of comfort. I am not sure why I was doing it but I told myself to stop it, get a hold of yourself. I decided to wash my face, brush my teeth and force myself to bed.
I think the main reason that I eat at night is for companionship. Isn't that crazy, who in the world can find companionship in food? It doesn't talk back (not that I talk to food, I haven't gone that far), it doesn't hug you (unless you can consider the endless pounds wrapped around my hips and belly.. okay, thighs, arms, chin, back... you get the point) and it certainly doesn't keep you warm at night... well that could be debatable... being so overweight, I can honestly say that I am ready for a famine.... but let's be realistic here, when was the last time our country has seen a famine? I doubt it is coming anytime soon. Anyhow, for whatever crazy reason, I actually do find comfort eating right before bed, I actually prefer to be in bed while I am eating, it's like a safety net... my Lionel's Blanket. It really has been difficult for me to fight and resist this urge this week. Now, I haven't been successful every night but I have made better choices choices when I've gone to the fridge.
I want to overcome this habit, this addiction that I have getting up at night eating. This sick way I pacify something buried deep within. When you are sleeping your body is in idle mode, it should not be digesting food and taking in calories. My goal for the upcoming week is not to eat after 7 pm... maybe it should be 8pm.... baby steps, baby steps.
One Meal at a Time!
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As I mentioned before, I too have struggled with eating at night, probably looking for comfort as well. I am so ashamed of what I have done to myself. I dont even know how my fiance, who can eat all he wants and not gain a lb, can even look at me the same. I know he loves me regardless of my weight, but I often wonder if he's ashamed of how I let myself go. We went to his companys Xmas dinner at his work, which is a steak house, and I had to squish my fat a** into a booth with his co-workers and pretend I didnt want to devour the steak that the waitress just sat in front of me. I'm ashamed to go out in public most days because I don't want to run into my childrens friends from school and have them made fun of because Im fat. I wallow in self-pity most of the day, which makes me crave a brownie even more, but then again I did this to myself. I need a real change!! I look forward to reading your blogs so keep them coming....Liz
ReplyDeletep.s. I save my goodies for the evening to feel less deprived.Examples...fat free pudding or sugar free jello. I also love fat free yogurt with sliced strawberries some granola and a tad of honey!! Lol- but not all in one night!!
Liz, I feel your pain. I completely understand the battle within. Try not to beat yourself up so badly, yes yes, this is the pot calling the kettle black. Restraunts are a nightmare for me, praying please please don't take me to a booth and oh my goodness, please let the seat be wide enough for me to fit in. Honestly, my biggest fear is amusement parks, I won't even attempt to ride to avoid the embarrasment of the bars not being able to close.
ReplyDeleteI went through the stage of not wanting to go in public. I think this is a very dangerous and lonely stage. Locking yourself inside, losing interest and being obsessed with your weight just leads to more weight gain and hating yourself even more. Being a hermit really should be left for the crabs.
About eight month's ago, I finally accepted my weight... I accepted this is who I am, this is how much I weigh and I can't keep hiding from the world. Over the summer I actually went swimming several times, at the lake, water parks, pools... yes in public where even stranges could see me. Of course, I didn't get out my old bikini or anything but you know I told myself, it is what it is, yes, I am overweight but I still have the right to have some fun. It really helped getting out with friends and family. I hope you will pull out of shell too, you sound wonderful and there is no doubt your fiance loves you unconditionally and that is the kind of man worth loving. Good for you!
Good idea on the goodies, I just tried Yoplait's Parfait Delight... cherry cream cheese, it was okay... not sure if it was really worth 100 calories because there are some healthy yogurts out there that are pretty dang good.... like Yoplaits Boston Cream Pie or Key Lime Pie.
Yes, baby steps you can do it! Maybe start breaking the habit by making your bedroom a no food zone. So if you want to eat you're going to have to stay in the kitchen. Then just try to hold out ...taking an ambien may not be a bad idea. Good luck! :)
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