How did I get here...

People in general can be so cruel. At what point, did weight become a factor in defining who someone is? Does weight make you more or less adequate than the next? I hardly think so but could beg to differ. Have you ever came across someone who doesn't actually see you? Someone who looks right past you or through you, as if you don't exist? That person that wouldn't notice you even if you had your hand out to shake theirs? It's as if your invisible...

There are days that I feel invisible. I wonder what a healthy person sees when they look at the body or the face of a morbidly obese person? Some may feel pity, some can empathize with our pain, some might even want to help and others may genuinely be concerned for your health but there are those out there that are disgusted by overweight people, so shallow and caught up in image, that an overweight person literally disgust them. I can say this because at one point in my life, I was that person. The very shallow person who was annoyed by people severely overweight... just grossed out by the thought of that person looking at me, wanting to have my figure or imagining them as some self loathing animal that couldn't wait until their next meal. How cruel was I? It is terrible to admit that once in my life I looked through people like me as if they don't exist.

Today, the shoe is on the other foot. I am the one being looked through, I am invisible. Yes, there is irony in being invisible when you are 223 pounds. Besides the fact that your carrying a neon sign, that has no on/off switch, that just yells: overweight, watch it wideload coming through, need more room here people. How is it possible not to see another human, it is very impossible, people ignore the things that make them uncomfortable, people generally do not like confrontation and that is exactly how I ended up here. Overweight and almost unrecognizable.

I asked myself, when did this happen? How did I let myself go? I have been overweight for almost 11 years now. When I think back, I believe it all began with my pregnancy.

During my pregnancy I gained a whopping 90 pounds. Before I delivered my son, I weighed 225 pounds. Yes, I did have a large child... 10 pounds, 5 ounces and 23 inches long... but come on people, I didn't give birth to a 12 year old. I gained 90 pounds by eating whatever my heart desired. Let me tell you, it was cookies, cakes and ice cream.... everyday. I remember getting up at 1 or 2 in the morning to bake cookies, before the oven was pre-heated, half the cookie dough was gone. I know, just terrible. That was the very beginning of my emotional eating. My son's father and I were not together and I believe that had a huge factor of me doing what I was doing.

Fortunately, I lost 30 pounds at delivery and it took about 6 months to lose the remaining weight. I never really lost all of it, I kept on about 15 extra pounds. By the time my son was 3, I had gained another 30 pounds. It didn't really bother me though, I had that hour glass shape and the weight looked good on me, I had big breast, a little waist and big hips and thighs. I looked good and no one ever believed I was 180 pounds, people thought I was about 140.

That year, something happened, in less that 10 month's, I gained 90 pounds. I remember walking in the hall at work and an older woman stopping me and asking "Have you gained weight? Your butt is spreading, you had a really cute figure, turned heads all the time, your never gonna lose it unless you change it now." I was so offended, can someone actually be saying this to me? I am glad she couldn't read my thought cloud but who would have known, she was telling the truth. 8 years later, I am still struggling.

I remember tittering and tottering back and forth between 221 to 240... then it changed from 240 to 270. I'd lose it and gain it, the closest I have been to 200 since 1999 is 221. At one point, I was up to 289 pounds. At that moment, I vowed to myself "NO MORE" and joined Curves and ate better. Once I under 250, I swore I would never be there again.

Today, I am 323 pounds. I remember when I was back up to 278 pounds, I told myself, if I just hit 300... that will be it, I will throw in the towel and make a change. 303 pounds came and nothing, I was not even upset. I got off the scale and had another cookie. It is what it is, I told myself. 310 pounds, nothing... except aching joints and sore feet (this has been getting progressively worse for about three or four years). 320 pounds, still no tears, no shame... it is what it is. I ignore the scale. I am so tired. I am grouchy, I am upset, I am pissed... all the time. There is something going on inside of me. I check my blood pressure and for the first time in my life, #1 my arm does not fit in the cuff and #2 if is high. 158/121 ... woooa... that's not good. No wonder I feel the way I do. I shove another cigarette in my mouth and continue to go about like nothing is wrong. My hands a feet are constantly swollen, my jeans I bought two weeks ago, don't fit any longer. I look down at my hands and my knuckles look like dimples, you can't even see them. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my face. I get the scale out... 330 POUNDS! No tears, I can not cry. I did this to myself.

I have been obsessed with my weight for years, yet I do nothing. I have thought of everything, diet pills, weight loss surgery, wiring my mouth shut... but none of those things will work because it is not a life change, none of those things will change my relationship with food. Food is not a crutch it is a need for survival, a source of energy.

In the last 14 years, at anytime there has been a crisis, food has been my world. My friend, my lover, my enemy and my confidant. If there is a death...food, crisis...food, new job...food, no job...food, lonely...food, happy...food, confused...food, ecstatic...food, bored...food, worried...food, stressed...food, celebration...food. It goes on and on.

I can not live like this any longer. As I said before, I don't have health problems, I have never been medically diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure or cholesterol issues... but I know it is lurking. My Mother and Father both have diabetes, I am a walking time bomb. Not to mention, I feel something inside myself changing, my health is falling into this downward cycle that must stop.

I've tried to change this vicious cycle many times before and have always failed. It came to the point that I wouldn't even try because I knew I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough but NOT ANYMORE. I am changing my life, I will not hide behind food. I don't want to live in some fantasy, if I were only thin... how my life would be so different. Are you kidding me? Waiting to be thin for your life to begin? If that is the case, I have almost lost 14 years of my life.

No more hiding behind food. I became so uncomfortable, nothing fit. Everything was tight, nothing flattered my figure, everything was such a chore. It is not easy walking around with so much extra weight. My dimpled hands, swollen feet and ankles, my extra chin, my skin stretching to it's limit. Just being in constant pain.

I am so glad that I have finally came to my senses, I am not punishing myself any longer. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live life to the fullest. I can honestly say, it feels like someone has switched "ON" my on switch and it is so clear. I am doing this for me, no one else. I am doing this for my health, not to have men want me. I am doing this for a longer happier life. I let myself become 330 pounds and pretended I was happy. I am happy and I am changing my life one meal at a time, one day at a time.