Ugh, short lived glory. So last night, after I blogged, I picked out a movie to watch as I laid down. It hits me, I really want a snack... I look in the pantry and there was not one single healthy snack. Hmmmm... popcorn, that's not bad, couldn't be... well actually, the extreme butter popcorn I found sitting on my shelf was out of the question (need to pick up some fat free popcorn sometime this week). I decided to have a peep talk with myself, drank a glass of water and the verdict was in, it was just too late to eat. Well, well, what do you know? I did it, I actually said no. Wow, I am off to a good start and feel pretty good about myself.
After watching my movie for about 15-20 minutes, the desire to snack was back (little bastard, didn't stay gone for long) and it was strong. I get up, have another glass of water and decided I better go to sleep before I do something crazy. I turn off the lights and cuddle up with my warm and toasty blankets, I was off counting sheep in La La Land in no time. The next thing I know, it's 11:35pm and suddenly I wake up and man, I want a snack. I firmly tell myself "NO," I am going back to sleep. 12:45am, awake again... roll my eyes, frustrated and trying my best to burn the white flag, I can't surrender... no late night snacks! Back to sleep I go, 1:38am, my goodness are you serious, why can't I sleep? I want a snack, No No No, I rant and rave within myself, just go to sleep, wait until morning and have a good healthy breakfast. I roll over and go back to sleep. 2:50am, AWAKE AGAIN and damn it, I WANT a snack... of for the sake of sleeping, I am eating a snack. To the kitchen I go, I did my best to eat a healthy snack. I ate 2 servings (which I should just admit is 6 slices, 2 servings sounds so much better) of 98% Fat Free Turkey Lunch Meat and a Low Fat Mozzarella String Cheese. I ate 3 Slices of Turkey standing at the fridge, the other three on the way to my room and I ate the cheese as I was getting back in bed. There you have it folks, in less than 5 minutes, I consumed 190 calories. I don't even remember finishing the cheese but I was finally able to fall asleep.
I woke up at 4:40am, I checked the bed to make sure there was no cheese left over, thank goodness there was not. Of course, I feel extremely guilty and ashamed of myself. How do you become so addicted that you literally wake up every hour until you finally pacify the desire to self destruct and eat? I wasn't even upset, it didn't seem to be something emotional, I just had this desire for a snack. Is it in my mind? I don't know but I hate that I gave in so quickly.
I can't let this be a pit fall, I still have 358 days to go. I am going to move past last night and keep working towards my goal of health, overcoming obesity and my addiction to food. It is so easy to be discouraged and quit, but I can't. I have to finally put myself first and learn to keep going.
I think I will start today with a healthy high protein breakfast, egg whites with veggies and salsa or something like that. I will take it Day by Day, maybe even Meal by Meal... whatever it takes, I must keep moving forward.
P.S. I haven't smoked a cigarette in over 32 hours.
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OMG- you totally described me!!! I was dying laughing...not at you, but at how ridiculous it sounds to fall asleep eating food and waking up with melted chocolate stains on the bed because I rolled over what was left as I slept!!!Thanks for having the courage to admit it! I'm gonna follow your progress, as I am on my own path to lose weight. I weigh 315lbs or so I think because at this weight you dont get a very accurate reading, I am 30 yrs old with 4 kids, and 5'10". My mother struggled with obesity all my life and diabetes finally won and she had to have her leg amputated due to complications. She is no longer able to be active with my children and lives in a nursing home because I can't take care of her and she refuses to do therapy to take care of herself. I made a committment to myself to lose this weight once and for all, but also to my children that I will be here for them and someday their children for a long time.
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for the feedback. No insult taken to the humor. I am glad to know I am not the only one who has woken up with an oatmeal cookie stuck to her face in the morning. I have done it for so long now it is very hard to stop and honestly, it never fails, if I tell myself no, I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Once, someone suggested that I take Ambien or a few Tylenol PM's before bed so I wouldn't raid the fridge... I decided not to do either, a girl should be able to hear a fire alarm at night, ya know?
ReplyDeleteIt's terrible to hear about your Mom's health, I know that must be hard for you to watch her health fall further and further apart and of course isn't easy on your children either. I know we hear stories like that all the time, people becoming sick due to obesity but nothing has ever stopped me or made me change. To be honest with you, sometimes I felt like I was waiting for the DR to tell me I had health problems, high blood pressure, diabetes or something that would finally make me lose weight. Thank goodness that day hasn't come but isn't it sad that I would want someone to tell me I have health problems so I could finally commit to losing weight?
I am so thankful and very glad to know you will be following my blog. Please keep me in the loop of your success/challenges and I will do my best to keep you entertained. Wishing you the best and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
They say...and I don't know who "they" are BUT they say that it takes 23 days to make a habit. You didn't get here overnight and you are not going to break the habit overnight either. The line between habituation and addiction is virtually non-existant...This is going to be great! I am stoked to be following you. By the way, cucumbers are a low cal snack..ooh and cumbumber water is a great way to flavor it up too.
ReplyDeleteSpaceHog, great point about addiction and habits. Quick question, how do you make cucumber water?
ReplyDeletethat sounds just like me , i can't sleep if i don't eat but i have been doing good lately . i hate that thought arghhh good blog
ReplyDeleteSorry I am catching up on the old entries just now... but I think if you were that hungry then you were truly hungry and I hope you're consuming more than 900 calories a day! Even though on that day you thought you had eaten a LOT of food, you still need the calories to help you get full. Also a 190 calorie snack is NOT bad and it sounds like you still came in under your calories. You're doing a great job! I am slowly catching up on these older entries and it's amazing to see how far you've come in 4 months!
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