Light in the storm

When I set out of my journey, I didn't know what path I would take. I wasn't sure of what eating plan I would follow, if I would exercise or what at all would change other than I would write about my attempt to overcome obesity, the challenges, obstacles and my success.

With being true to my intent, I have to say, the last few days have been rough for me. Many of you know, I have been out of work for about seven months now. Needless, to say, it is taking its toll on me. Obviously there is the financial factor but mentally, it has been difficult as well.

I knew if I didn't find a job soon the day would come but I postponed it as long as I could. Instead of weighing in and measuring at the gym on June the second, I had to make a decision to cancel my gym membership. I was terrified to do it but you what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. There was just no other choice, I could no longer spend $35 a month to workout at the gym. I was almost in tears when I cancelled, but being the big girl I am, I held it back.

On my way home I went through a slew of emotions.

Frustration: I paid for that membership for years and never used it. FINALLY, I've been working out 5 months and now I can't afford it?!?! What is wrong with me, why didn't I take control of my health sooner?

DOUBT: You can't do this without Curves, you need resistance training and well... your not gonna do it on your own. You might as well get a pizza on the way home, your gonna gain the 53 pounds back and always be the big girl!

ANGER: Why is this happening to me?!?

My mind took over and thoughts flew back and forth. The biggest thing in my head was fear. Am I going to gain back the 53 pounds that I have lost? I will, I know I will... I can't do this without the gym. I am never going to lose the weight.

Thank goodness my sanity took control again, I could lose weight, I am losing weight! I have workout DVDs that I do on a regular basis, I walk, I hike, I bike! I quieted the voice within, somewhat at peace with my decision and my ability to tackle this without my gym membership.

When I got home, I decided it was time to SPARK, I grabbed a glass of water and started to log in to my laptop... and then it happened. I spilled a glass of water and the flood gates opened!

I cried for about two hours. Is that even possible? I assume that I only had that many tears because of all the water I drank over the weekend. I honestly must have drank about 6 gallons during my project warrior weekend! Clearly, I was bummed out and at my limit.

Of course, the flood was more about being scared of failing than making a huge mess. I just couldn't stop the doubt and insecurities. They hit me like a deer in headlights, I cried like a baby and then crawled in bed and went to sleep.

When I woke up, I decided that I needed to SPARK, I needed motivation and inspiration. I sit back down with a new glass of water and there it was: I was named DONE Girl of the month!

It could not have come at a better time. There are so many people that believe in me, that have faith in me. That actually see how strong I am even though I have doubts about myself. This honor, this feeling, it is amazing. I was just thrilled and in awe that I was chosen. It lifted my spirits and let me know, I am not in this alone, I don't need the gym... I CAN do this. Sure I am going to have to get out of my comfort zone and find new ways to get in that burn but it can be done!!! I am going to do this and I will not give up.

So I want to take a moment and thank the DONE GIRL Team, my blog followers and all the incredible SPARKERS who have given me inspiration, strength and motivation. You help me to believe in myself and know that it is not over, we all have set backs and all that matters is how we choose to look at them. My journey is not over, I am no where near that finish line but I am one step closer because of you. I really can not thank each of you enough for your support, encouragement and helping me believe in me when I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. You are my light in the storm!

For those of you who are not familiar with SPARK, check them out at sparkpeople.com. This is basically the Facebook of weightloss. You can track calories, exercise, find an eating plan, set up an exercise program... the benefits are endless but most importantly, there is so much hope, inspiration and motivation. If you struggle at all or are looking for support, I strongly urge you check out there website. You can also find my sparkpage at: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=330POUNDWOMAN

It can be a little overwhelming at first but before you know it, you will be able to use the website with your eyes closed. If you decide to join, add me as a friend and I will help you out anyway that I can.