Have you ever just had a craving? Like a gut wrenching, gotta have it, want it right now craving? I am not sure what overcame me, but I walked into the store, went strait to the cookie aisle and before you know it, I was standing in line with not one, but three bags of cookies. Yes, three bags! I had a bag of Iced Circus Cookies, Coconut Cocadas and the very evil Danish Wedding Cookies.
Fortunately, there was a line at the register, even in self-checkout. As I stood there, wishing everyone would hurry up, so I could get the heck out of the store and into my ever favorite Danish Wedding Cookies, I began fighting with myself. I looked at myself and wondered, what the hell am I doing? I look at the cookies and the caloric value, oh man, this is terrible. I don't care, I want these cookies. I look over my shoulder to make sure I didn't see anyone that I knew. Nope, no one to stop me. Oh man... what the heck. I can't do this. But I want this! I want to eat those cookies! What, 4 little cookies are 130 calories, oh my goodness, there about the size of a freaking quarter, are you serious and just forget about nutritional value. 13 servings in the box??? I hate to admit this but I knew I would eat the entire box before the night was over, maybe even before I got home.
I check over my shoulder again and then I see it, there she is... that 330 pound woman looking back at me in the glass reflection, not only was she starring at me, she was standing there holding three bags of cookies! Then it hit me, if I walk out of this store with those cookies, I would always be the 330 pound woman.
I put the cookies down and calmly walked out. On the way to my car, I couldn't understand what was happening. I wanted those cookies but I know I would have no self control if I had them at my home.
I am happy to say that I didn't buy the cookies but I have thought about them, and I know this won't be the last time that I do. I know that my lifestyle change doesn't mean that I can never ever eat a cookie again but I also know that I am a compulsive eater and there is no way I could be trusted around a dozen cookies much less a bag of them.
When will that stop? My compulsive desire to eat, eat, eat?
Part of me believes I wanted the cookies so badly as a reward. Somewhere inside of me, an accomplishment deserves a food reward. The reason I say that is because over the weekend, family that I haven't seen in a while complemented me on my weight. Of course it felt great. On Monday, my Mom said, "I can't believe how big your pants are on you, they are practically falling off, I bet you don't even have to unbutton or unzip them to put them on or take them off" Which, is true, and it feels good to have someone notice that but why does it trigger my desire to eat?
Hmmm, something to ponder....
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One of the best pieces of advice on healthy eating someone gave me was "if you BUY it, you will eat it"
ReplyDeleteAnd for me - that's the reality. There are some things I can control myself with - liver, milk, ketchup. You know, the GROSS things. The rest of it, nope, no control. Looking at the calories per SERVING doesn't help me. Especially on trigger foods. I don't eat "servings" - I eat 'containers'. So I have to do the math. 100 calories each pack, 10 packs - this is a 1000 calorie "serving" in my house.
You did well putting it back - you're doing great, making progress. That's awesome!
I totally understand where you're coming from! I'm just like that - even now, 37-ish pounds lighter! I've always been like that, in fact, so maybe it's just my personality. For as long as I can remember, I'd impulsively go into a clothing store, supermarket, etc. and grab grab grab! Then as I walk around a bit, something sensible comes over me and I determine that most (or sometimes ALL) of the stuff I snatched was unnecessary, so I put it away.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on leaving that craving behind!
That's awesome! I really believe that the desire never goes away, it is just that we teach ourselves how to manage the desire and as a result we can satisfy a craving without it spiraling into a binge.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
A long check out line as your saving grace... Who would've thought? I'm so glad you were able to talk yourself out of it though. I bet you were meant to do exactly that and that's why those lines were as long as they were. :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as freaking out over the comments, I have done that a lot through my journey. We spend so much of our lives obese and feeling invisible that when people start to notice us, it feels scary. So we turn to what we know-food-when really we should be here blogging it out and figuring out what our deal is. Look, you did that! :)
I try not to see food as a reward. Food is nourishment for our bodies. Rewards are feel good clothes, hiking shoes, a new pair of earrings, or a new fitness game. You are doing such a great job and realizing that something is off kilter with yourself(the binge reaction after the compliments) is a big step in conquering every obstacle. I'm all smiles for you!! :)
I am so glad you got through it. I still have not figured out why I get those triggers after getting compliments either. Just "what is that?" If you get some insight please share with the rest of us that it happens to.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for putting it down. I had a saving grace the other day in the grocery. In the humongus chip and snack aisle, I try to not even go there, I had a tremendous craving for the dark russett cape cod potato chips, and like a robot headed to their spot. The shelf was EMPTY. I told my self that nothing else would do. Then I thought about what I had done, felt as if I was pathetic, then asked what I can learn from this. I'm just going to have these cravings forever, I think. The more I don't cave in, the easier it will get. I reminded myself a craving doesn't last forever, just about 90 seconds, UNLESS I feed into it, and craving thoughts become actions that lead to overeating. About compliments, in a perfect world, people would tell you that you look fit, energetic, glowing, healthy, strong or some other complimentary terms that don't focus on size and weight. I have found that people project their own stuff about weight whether they are complimenting or criticizing me, so it is not a motivator for me.
ReplyDeleteGreat job putting the cookies down! That is so hard! I've done that before with those little baked pies that are about 450 calories a pop, and hey, they were on sale! 2/$1!!! So I get to the checkout stand and with my very last strand of dignity talked myself out of them, and set them on a shelf by the belt. It's been awhile since I've had this problem, but it still seems to come back. I don't know if it ever fully goes away; I think maybe we just learn to control it.
ReplyDeleteSuch great willpower you have. The cravings never seem to go away. I was there last night but instead of hitting the junk food, i grabbed my sugar-free wintergreen mints and had 3. not quite the same but helps. and nothing tastes good after a wintergreen mint.
ReplyDeleteNot only did you put them down, you brought it here out in the open...
ReplyDeleteDouble SHAZAM!
Rockstar!! Look at you girl!!! You beat the temptation...you DID it! When the going got tough, you got TOUGHER!!! I know you're scared that you'll feel the cravings and temptation again, and the truth is...you will. We all do. However, you just proved that you have the strength and power to overcome. Your desire to not ever want to be the 330 lb woman again won out...and it will continue to as long as you pull that thought to the forefront of your mind when faced with such strong cravings. That food can't go in your mouth unless YOU put it there. And the more you say "no" to the bad/wrong decisions, the easier and more empowering it becomes to say the next time, and the time after that. I'm just so friggin' proud of you. I'm glad you had this moment. You made the right decision, and you are stronger for it!! You are the now the woman that goes on 10 miles hikes and can rip her pants off w/o unzipping them...not the woman who eats 3 bags of cookies. Hooray for you! :)
ReplyDeleteBeen there, but haven't always done that (put them back). That's hard to do....way to go....I'll think of this post and you next time I'm doing this to myself...and you will give me strength.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
Oh my gosh, I so know what you were going through. If you get bored, you can read my blog about it: http://kimmarx77.blogspot.com/2010/04/chocolate-stat.html. I, too, made a good decision that day. Mad props, my friend! =) Good job!
ReplyDelete